The struggle is real. HBO’s Girls centers around the lives of millennial Hannah Horvath and her friends as they navigate the world of post-college adulthood. Girls creator Lena Dunham completely captured the millennial generation, warts and all. Hannah grew up being told she could be anything she wants, without learning the independence to get herself there. She and her pals walk that fine line between freedom and aimlessness, often leaning towards the latter.
In stark contrast, the youth of Harry Potter have much of their path carved out for them by the age of eleven. As soon as they arrive at Hogwarts, they are sorted into one of four houses—Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, or Ravenclaw—based on their personalities and aptitudes.
If Hannah and her fellow millennials were to Uber to Hogwarts, which houses would they be sorted into? Here are the Girls Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses.
Hannah Horvath - Gryffindor
Hannah flits from whim to whim like a hummingbird in a flower garden. Just when people expect her to zig, she zags. Sometimes she’s being gutsy and courageous, like when she realizes teaching isn’t right for her and quits—and, let’s face it—doing her students a solid, as she really was a terrible teacher. However, other times Hannah was just a thoughtless hot mess, like when her publisher died and she tried to talk business with his grieving widow…at the funeral. These are the two sides of the Gryffindor coin. As the series progresses and Hannah matures, she learns that choices can be both brave and well thought out.
It’s a minor miracle the internet didn’t explode with all the debate over Hannah’s nudity. If anyone’s not afraid of getting naked, it’s a Gryffindor. Sometimes Hannah was trying to be deliberately provocative and other times she just wanted to feel free. Many criticized her au natural scenes as gratuitous, where others found them to be an inspiring win for body positivity. Millennial Gryffindors love to give people something to argue about…over soy flat whites.
Marnie Michaels - Slytherin
Lots of relationships came and went on Girls. Some were solid and others were doomed from the start. However, none had more undying love and mutual adoration than Marnie’s relationship with herself. The woman is Narcissus personified. Everything Marnie does is to serve her own means, even when she’s seemingly helping other people. She helped organize Hannah’s birthday party, only to strong-arm the reluctant Hannah into singing “Take Me or Leave Me”, just so Marnie could show off her singing skills.
Slytherins divide their time equally between admiring themselves and eviscerating others. Though Marnie has plenty to be annoyed with Hannah about—like never paying rent—Marnie often treats her “best friend” as a verbal punching bag. No aspect of Hannah’s life, from her appearance to career path, is safe from Marnie’s eviscerating judgment. Doesn’t ‘Marnie Malfoy’ just roll off the tongue?
Jessa Johansson - Gryffindor
The only thing predictable about Jessa is that she will never be predictable. Long ago, her ego and superego moved out of her brain to make room for more id. She marries a man she barely knows. One day Jessa works at a children’s clothing store; the next she’s an artist’s assistant. She goes on drug benders with her father. Later in the series, when many have written Jessa off as a wild child with Peter Pan Syndrome, she cleans up her act. This involves getting sober and declaring she will become a therapist. Oh yeah, then she has a secret relationship with Adam, Hannah’s ex.
Jessa is all over the Marauder’s Map. She never met a consequence she didn’t disregard. That would take all the fun out of being the quintessential Gryffindor daredevil. While her promises may not mean much, Jessa Johansson solemnly swears she’s up to no good.
Shoshanna Shapiro - Ravenclaw
Shoshanna is a unicorn in a stable of self-absorbed horses. Though she has her whiny moments, Shosh is always chipper and optimistic, rarely lamenting about what a raw deal life has thrown at her. She approached her college studies with Ravenclaw-like dedication. Upon graduation, Shoshanna was determined to get a well-paying job so as to avoid the financial woes of her friends.
Ravenclaws are known for their bluntness. Sometimes their honesty is appreciated; other times, it’s awkward and inappropriate. Shoshanna really should have kept her mouth shut in her job interview, when she told her potential employer that this was her “back-up job”. However, Shoshanna’s candor is what makes her a fan favorite, like in the infamous “Beach Party” episode where she drunkenly calls out every member of her group. If anyone knows how to give a Luna Lovegood mic drop, it’s Shoshanna Shapiro.
Adam Sackler - Gryffindor
Adam grabs life with an iron-like grip of intensity. He attacks his passions the way Hermione attacks a textbook. However, when things get rough, Adam just quits. He’s in a play and there’s conflict with his co-star? The show’s canceled. Adam gets lonely when Hannah’s at school in Iowa? He invites Mimi-Rose Howard to move in…to Hannah’s apartment. Gryffindors tend to live for the moment, only to get distracted by the next moment.
Still, Gryffindors can show remarkable caring and generosity. He shows his love for Jessa time and again, though in a typical bad-boy Gryffindor fashion, Adam’s last episode sees him leaving her for Hannah. However, Hannah and Adam decide not to pursue a relationship. They both know better than to tame his wild, Gryffindor spirit.
Ray Ploshansky - Hufflepuff
As the admitted “old man” of the group, Ray can be a bit of curmudgeon. But playing father-figure to a cadre of entitled twenty-somethings is a total drag, so Ray can be forgiven for not always thinking the world is sunshine and rainbows. However, this hipster Eeyore is full of nothing but loyalty to his friends. He’s hired several of them as baristas at Grumpy’s, only to be met with ingratitude and laziness—“That’s not how work works!”. Still, when anyone is in a jam, Ray is there to help, like after Hannah’s hitchhiking fiasco. If somebody needs a favor, Hufflepuffs are always the first to get the call.
Hufflepuff Ray knows what it means to be “unafraid of toil”. When a new traffic light made the noise outside his apartment unbearable, Ray ran for city council and won. Between the car honks and his whiny friends, Ray would certainly savor the quiet of the Hufflepuff common room.
Elijah Krantz - Hufflepuff
At the other end of the Hufflepuff spectrum is Elijah. Though he radiates selfishness, Elijah is always a true-blue friend to Hannah. When her relationship with Adam goes up in flames, Elijah moves in with her to help cover the rent. Hufflepuffs often find themselves as ersatz therapists to their friends and Elijah plays that role for the entire Horvath family. After Tad comes out as gay, Elijah takes him under his wing. He also becomes Loreen’s drinking buddy when she becomes understandably upset about the state of her marriage.
Hufflepuffs aren’t known to be worriers and Elijah is by far the least neurotic member of his group. He’s too busy having fun. Life’s a party and even if he’s not invited, Elijah will just crash.
Desi Harperin - Slytherin
Desi is an actor whose greatest performance is pretending to give a hoot about other people. He and fellow actor Adam seem to be in competition as to who is the flakiest, but at least Adam cares about his romantic partners before he leaves them, like when he paid for Jessa’s school. On the other hand, Desi is nothing but a taker like when he took $2000 dollars of his and Marnie’s money and spent it on guitar pedals. Or when he refused to let them sell merch on tour because it was too capitalist. While Desi doesn’t display a Slytherin’s outward cruelty—or business sense—there’s no doubting that he’s a snake in the grass.
Loreen Horvath - Ravenclaw
Loreen is a professor who tries to educate Hannah in the ways of adulthood. It was Loreen who made the decision to cut her daughter off financially, in the hopes that Hannah would learn to fend for herself. Ravenclaws are intelligent and independent, so it makes sense that they would their kids to be as well.
Loreen is thrown for the ultimate loop when Tad comes out, and it leaves a wound that never fully heals. Like a good baby boomer, Loreen did everything she was supposed to and when that still didn’t work out, she becomes as lost as the most directionless millennial. But Loreen will always be a mom, as she showed in the series finale when she became Grandma-to-the-rescue, helping out with Hannah’s newborn. Loreen let Hannah in on a secret, that parenthood is hard work—who knew? To the bitter end, Loreen can always be counted on for some sound Ravenclaw advice.
Tad Horvath - Hufflepuff
Hufflepuffs are forever trying to keep the peace and Tad tries to keep his family life as conflict-free as possible. This dear-hearted dad calls his daughter “Hannah-Banana” and he expressed major reservations about no longer paying her bills. While their intentions are good, Hufflepuffs don’t always realize that coddling someone in the short-term will only hurt them in the long-term. Tad’s over-generosity towards Hannah is a major contribution to her lack of independence, according to Loreen—and the viewers.
Tad, like many a Hufflepuff, puts others before himself. However, when one represses their own needs and desires for too long, they tend to bubble to the surface in unexpected and inappropriate ways. After years of hiding his sexuality, Tad blurted out he was gay right before Loreen’s tenure party. From here, their marriage predictably went off the rails but Tad was able to keep an optimistic attitude and wound up in a happy, committed relationship. If Girls taught Tad anything, it’s that sometimes it’s okay to be a little bit selfish.
